To change the world, start with one
step. However small, the first step is hardest of all. Once you get your gate,
you will walk in tall.
- “You Might Die Trying”, Dave
Matthews Band.
In the last few weeks,
I have had conversations with numerous friends about self-value.
It wasn’t planned – it
sorted of just came up at different times and different places. One at my
friend’s house, whilst we were on her couch, a glass of red wine in our hands. One
with another one of my friend’s, in my car at midnight, outside her house after
we had attended a hens night together. One with my friends at the bar, sharing
a jug of cider after we had finished our Gender and Human Rights exam. One with
another one of my friend’s at our university’s food court after our Politics of
International Economic Relations exam, while we were eating kebabs. One with
another one of my friend’s, while we were on my bedroom floor, drinking tea and
eating plums; we then continued this conversation whilst eating curly fries at
Hogs Breath Cafe. One with another friend today, while we were sitting in a
lovely park which overlooked the Harbour Bridge.
They started in
different ways and ended in different ways, but one point remained the same:
your self-value is perhaps the most important thing you have.
According to
Dictionary.com, there really isn’t a specific definition for self-value; it
redirected me self-worth, which is defined as being:
self-worth
n.
Self-esteem;
self-respect.
self-worth
n
respect
for or a favourable opinion of oneself
self′-worth′
n.
n.
the sense
of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect.
[1960–65]
So you can basically take your
pick from any one of these.
As human beings (save
for a minority of people) have a tendency to base our self-value on the
opinions others have of us. Whether they’re strangers, friends, family, lovers,
or people you desperately want to
like you – their opinion holds some sort of weight over you. It’s heavy, and it
just matters.
They could say and
think really good things about you, and it really makes your day; or,
alternatively, they could say really, really terrible things and think terrible
things about you, and that hurts.
It’s really, really
painful when it’s the latter. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words
will never hurt me” is perhaps the most pathetic saying there is, because it’s
wrong. It’s just false. Words hurt, and they fucking hurt. In my case, only the opinions of a close few really,
really hold weight over me. I consider myself to be independent and generally
nonchalant when it comes to the general populace’s opinion of me. If my
hairdresser thinks I’m a boring drab, I wouldn’t exactly cry myself to sleep
over it.
But if someone I really
love and care about holds a negative opinion of me, it really affects me. It
not only hangs above me, but it also chokes me. It makes me reassess my own
opinion of myself: well, what if I’m wrong about myself, and what such-and-such
thinks of me is really right? What if I’m really (your choice between: boring, predictable, stupid, annoying, a failure,
pathetic, sad, uninteresting, shallow, etc. etc.)? What hope for me is there in the world if I am in
possession of these attributes? How can
I expect to succeed, accomplish and be the very best person I can possibly be
if I am this or that?
There are many ways we
can react when this happens. Using me as an example:
1. I can believe it and
let it control me, regardless of whether I decide to keep that particular
person in my life or not.
2. I can believe it and
not let it control me, and accept it
with a vague nod of my head.
3. I can choose not to believe it and realise that I
cannot let the opinion of another person who isn’t me have such control over my
self-value and my life.
That’s what it comes
down to: whoever says or thinks such things to you isn’t you and doesn’t and shouldn’t have control over you. That’s
what it comes down to: control. Letting someone else have control over your
thoughts, feelings, behaviour and actions based on their opinion.
Unfortunately, this is
easier said than done. As a perfectionist who suffers from crippling anxiety on
a regular basis and has suffered from severe depression in the past, the hurtful
thoughts and words of someone I love, whether they’re in my life or not, still
hold at least some control over me. It is the value such a person once held
that remains the reason why their words and thoughts still have control over
me, and in turn, affect my judgement on my self-value.
That doesn’t seem right
though – why should someone who isn’t me have such control over my thoughts,
feelings, behaviour and actions? Forget right, it isn’t fair that someone else
should have such control over me. I mean, how can I expect the people I
surround myself with to value and respect me as a human being if I can’t value
and respect myself? Unfortunately there will always be people who dislike you
or will have terrible things to say about you. Everyone is disliked by someone. It’s really sucky, but it’s
true. You cannot please everyone.
My favourite quote ever is by Oscar Wilde: “Be yourself;
everyone else is already taken.” It has been from the moment I saw it. Why? Because
it’s true. It really is. Just like how everyone looks different, everyone also
feels, thinks, acts and behaves differently. I have friends who couldn’t care
less about what anyone thinks of them; I also have friends who genuinely worry
and care about what everyone else thinks of them. For most of us though (just a
wide presumption here), we care about the thoughts and feelings of those we
value.
But that brings me onto
this: should I really be valuing someone’s judgement of me to the point where
it seriously and adversely affects my wellbeing, feelings and overall
self-value, especially if this person is no longer a part of my life?
Hint: the correct
answer is “no”.
However, I do and I
have been for the last five months. Why? Because I was led to believe that terrible
thoughts and things said to me were real, and a reflection of my character; I’m
beginning to realise though that is a reflection of their character, not mine. People have this fickle habit of
projecting their insecurities onto other people; especially people who are in
possession of characteristics they are not and are envious of.
I absolutely love
flowers (there’s a point to this, I assure you). I think they’re absolutely
beautiful and I have more than a mild obsession with them. They are so bright,
so beautiful and when I see them (or a picture of them) my entire face lights
up. Funnily enough though, autumn is my favourite season, followed closely by
winter. In autumn, flowers start to die. They wither, turn brown and fall onto
the ground, only to be stepped on and forgotten. In winter, they’re practically
non-existent and continue to remain forgotten. But once spring comes around,
from a small seed, they grow again. They rise, they grow and they spread,
becoming bigger and more beautiful than they ever were. Suddenly, everyone
wants flowers. Depending on the flower, they symbolise something different –
but something beautiful and unique. I think flowers are quite strong. You rip
them off the stem and they just grow back. Although they’re always dying, they
always find a way to be reborn too.
The point here is that
we all get stamped on and ripped apart – we just need to find a way to grow
back and to heal, becoming more beautiful and much stronger than we ever were
before (take a listen to the song “The First Days of Spring” by Noah and the
Whale if you haven’t heard it already). We also need to realise that some else’s
opinion of us doesn’t define us and thus shouldn’t implement or have an impact
on our self-value. Those who love you will do so unconditionally and will love
you for you. Be yourself, because you want to be around people who will love
you when you’re being yourself.
Some of us have low
self-esteem – I know I do, and I cannot deny that. Everyone has a different
reason to as why they do, and I don’t want to minimise the experiences of
anyone, but I do know that mine is due to others having control of my self-value and their judgements of me
seriously affect it. But I cannot let anyone else have control over my life in
such a manner. My thoughts, feelings and characteristics are my own, and
although there are people who can influence it, I can never let anyone control
it.
It’s also having to
come to grips with the fact that just because someone thinks a particular way
about me, it doesn’t mean it is right. We listen to what we want to believe and
what suits our pre-conceived notions of the world – including our own opinions
of ourselves. This is why it is imperative that we surround ourselves with
people who bring us up, not down – and we must maintain our own self-value, and
not let anyone else control it, whether they are negative or positive.
Because really, at the
end of the day it’s us, isn’t it? We’re the ones who ultimately make the
decisions regarding ourselves, and thus maintain the right to control it.
I loved your paragraph on flowers. It was really reassuring- a wonderful reminder of our ability to recover stronger than ever from even the lowest of lows. Thanks for this. ^_^
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for your kind words! I'm very glad you enjoyed reading it! Unfortunately we all hit lows, but what's important is that we pull ourselves up again afterwards. :-)
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