I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person. Oscar Wilde
There is a difference between being
alone and being lonely, and I feel there is a lot contention between the two.
For some reason, this thought struck me
whilst I was researching the influence Little Richard had on David Bowie and
listening to Birdy’s Heart of Gold. I’m
not entirely too sure how, but it
sort of just snapped into me that right now I’m alone, but not lonely. I always
picture the sensations I feel in my head; when I’m alone, I visualise sitting
on a table in a room by myself, either reading or writing, and my loved ones
outside the room, laughing and chatting away. At any moment I can get up and
leave this room and join them, but I choose not to. You can be completely by
yourself, but know that you have friends, family and other loved ones who are
just a phone call away.
Or you could walk into a room full of
people and feel that you are the only person there; you don’t connect with
anyone. Or you’re sitting in your little room, and there’s no-one laughing and
chatting away outside, and it’s absolutely terrifying.
Being lonely often denotes a negative
connotation. It is the inextricable desire to connect with another person, or to
want to be part (or join) with another, whether it is a single person or a
group. Feelings of loneliness often hit at the most extraordinary times. I, for
example, was working on a website review for a university assessment task a few
months ago when it suddenly crashed over me. I was typing away the
characteristics of one Australian Political Party when the sensation washed
over me. It was so bad and it hit so hard I ended up having a full blown panic
attack. It was the first time after my break up (which had occurred about two
weeks prior) that I had a complete mental breakdown.
I joke that writing about the Liberal
Party of Australia will make anyone
have a complete and utter mental breakdown, but that’s not true (well, it sort
of is but let’s not even go there). Truth be told, I have no idea why it
happened at that exact time. Maybe it just sort of hit me then. Maybe I was
under enough stress, I just snapped. Right after my break up, I made sure that
I was so immersed in uni work that I didn’t have time to think about it. I started to do things. I started
organising, planning and restructuring other parts of my life I was either
unsatisfied with or things I felt needed to be updated. I need to go out more,
I told myself. I want to see more, experience more, taste more and live more. I
wanted to suddenly start up a blog (so I did). I wanted to suddenly visit more
cafes (so I did). I wanted to go to the beach more (so I did). I suddenly
wanted to do everything, so I made sure that I did, completely (and ironically)
neglecting myself and my emotional wellbeing in the process.
My friends were the first ones to see my
rapid descent downwards. The term ‘downward spiral’ was used by one, but that
is not what happened to me. It was literally a drop down, and God only knows
that I could not pick myself up again. I would cry every night. I would hug
every single pillow I could. I would even throw my clothes from my cupboard
onto my bed, so I had something to keep me warm during the night. I’m almost
humiliated by how much it affected me. It had a profound impact on my mental
wellbeing. I’m the sort of person who gives absolutely all of me to those I
love, and to have it completely cut away by the one person I loved with all my
heart (who also happened to be completely emotionally void, and even emotionally
challenged) with a single “I don’t love you anymore. I don't think of you
anymore. You do not make me happy anymore” actually killed me. I also felt
humiliated because people around me were actually going through really, really
terrible things which I thought were significantly worse than what I was. The
amount of people around me who had deaths in their family was staggering. It
was horrible, because I felt not only helpless, but because I was complaining
about a stupid break up. My friends also had breakdown of marriages and
engagements, severe financial issues, the threat of homelessness – and I was
upset over a break-up? I can’t say I wasn’t told. People – many, many people – told me that he’d do what
he did. I don’t regret my actions, or regret going out with him, but I was left
feeling even more humiliated than how
I started.
It’s not right to think like that
though. It was something that had severely affected me and my capability to not
only interact with other people, but also my academic and work life too. I
received a Credit for that website review (70%), and although normally I would
be content with that mark, I really wasn’t this time around. Either I have
become a brat when it comes to my marks, which I don’t think it’s the case for
this – I worked really hard on that assessment task, and started it as soon as
I possibly could. I also finished long before most people too. Regardless of
the impact it had on my work, social and academic life, it was something that
really upset me; that in itself makes it worthy of being sad. I was really
happy in my relationship and really happy with the person I was with – someone
I could imagine spending the rest of my life with – but it wasn’t reciprocated,
and I truly believe it is okay to be sad over that. It is perfectly alright to
be upset, to whinge, to cry and to be heartbroken over it. Such is life, and
these things happen. You need to be upset with it, or deal with it however you
deal with things, in order to be happy again.
Not only that, but you need to feel
lonely to realise that you are
lonely. It needs to sink and seep in. You need to desperately try and listen to
whether there are people outside, waiting for you to come out of your little
retreat and join them again. When I’m feeling lonely, I read; when I read, I’m
another person in another world experiencing something else, and I feel
connected, woven and part of something. I socialise and spend time with my
loved ones. Regardless of what people say about social media, it helps me
connect with others who are far away and makes the distance seem non-existent.
I listen to music and picture what I’ll write about next; I love writing, because
I am creating something else from a little picture in my head and etching it
into print as a means of extracting what’s happening in my head and placing it
somewhere where others can visualise and enter into my world.
I cynically state that I am going to be
forever alone, and that no-one will ever want to be with me. Unfortunately, a
large part of that is serious, and I still have trouble believing that someone
will genuinely want to be with me. My friends scoff and roll their eyes, but it’s
a part of my self-esteem that is really, really
low. But realistically, it’s stupid. It’s absolutely stupid to think that. I
mean, seriously? I’m 22 years old. I have barely started my life. I think I’m a
nice, sweet and caring person (someone who cares much more about others than
they do me, or more than they deserve to be honest) and it’s just who I am. I
can also be brutally honest, but I try and use as much tact as I can (this is
both a positive and a negative; but at least you can trust me to tell you
honestly whether your butt looks big in that or not). Almost every single
person I have met has described me as being ‘sassy’, as well as incredibly
funny, infectious and witty. I’m sure someone out there will be drawn to these qualities
(I hope so anyway). I don’t have much pride in my appearance, but this is
something I’m trying really hard to work on. Apparently I dress well and take
care of my appearance, and people think I’m quite pretty, so I’m literally
riding on this.
If you’re feeling lonely, talk to
someone. Some people can’t help – I feel terrified, because I’m scared that I
won’t be able to help or be able to help enough,
and that’s quite selfish in my opinion – but some people really can. Spend time
with others, but also spend time alone doing things that you love. Some people
want to be around as many people as they possibly can; others want to retreat
as far in as they possibly can, and pretend the world outside doesn’t exist;
some people (like me), want to do both, depending on my mood and the situation
I’m in. Know that help is never far
away, and know that you are never
alone, and remember, always remember – you are so loved. You are so loved, and
the world is a special place because you’re in it. It’s important to realise
your worth and to love yourself. Don’t do what I did and neglect yourself and
your emotional well-being by avoiding the root of the problem and denying its
existence. If you stick your head in the sand, your body won’t disappear. Inextricable
feelings of loneliness and problems in your life are exactly the same.
Pretending it’s not there isn’t going to solve it. It’ll help a bit, but then
it’ll come back and bite you in the backside with an absolute vengeance.
I said earlier that I write and read. I
have a friend who does finger-painting when the feeling hits, and another who
goes out window shopping. It really doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you
don’t neglect yourself by pretending it’s not there, or trying to reassure
yourself that it’ll go away on its own; perhaps it will, but you don’t know how
long it’ll take, or what it’ll do to you until it does.
Allowing yourself to be entirely
overwhelmed by feelings of loneliness, grief and despair and torturing yourself
(basically what I did for two months) is just as worst. This I know for a fact.
Having lived through it, I can say that I do not remember August. Like, an
entire month. I don’t remember an entire month – how does that even happen?!I
was in so much despair and experiencing so much loneliness, I honestly believe
that my mind is repressing everything to prevent any further trauma I have
caused myself. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It’s all I could do. Think
about how lonely I felt, and how rejected I felt and how unloved I am. He’s out
enjoying himself while I’m moping? The entire situation made me want to punch
someone in the face (him preferably) and turned me into this self-pitying,
self-hating wrench.
I don’t mope, I don’t pine and I most
definitely do not self-pity. I don’t believe in self-pity, and this can make me
seem like a hard hearted bitch, but I don’t see the point of self-pity. This is
a relatively new way of thinking, and I stick by it. But I had to mope and
whinge over it until I managed to grab hold of my senses and shake myself out
of it. I am so lucky, and I am so grateful that I am surrounded by people who
love me and stuck by me during this period. It was when I looked around to
those who were loving me when I snapped out of it. I realised that although it
was sad and depressing that the person that I love no longer loved me, I was
surrounded by people who still loved
me very much, regardless of how low I saw myself. People who still cared for me
and made sure that I was okay and cared for me when I couldn’t care for myself.
This is what pulled me out of it.
I think I’ve rambled on for long enough
for a first post, so I promise to wind down now (thank you for reading all of
this!). It’s okay to be alone. I think it’s very healthy. It’s also okay to be
lonely, and to realise that you’re feeling lonely.
But you’re never really lonely. You’re surrounded
by loved ones, and surrounded with little things here and there that you can
feel part of and connected with. It’s about that sensation wearing down and
being able to get yourself up and reach for those little things. It hurts like
hell, and it hurts more than anything else that is even possible to experience
and feel – but it won’t last forever. It never will.
So remember: you are stronger than you
know.
You are wiser than you know.
And you are so much more beautiful, and
so much more loved than you can possible, possibly imagine.
If people cannot realise this, then you
need to consider this: “well then, are they worth having in my life?”
That’s something only you can answer.
Love it, Esra :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a remarkable journey you've made ... keep going, it doesn't get easier but you get stronger and wiser
I think you may have just helped me to deal with something im going through at the moment and I thank you for that. You should write more often aswell :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy to hear this! <3 I'm really happy I can help others. I hope things get easier for you. :)
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